Private Lesson Life Lesson

I had a private lesson this last week that really changed my tango experience. I learned something that is making every embrace and every dance better and more meaningful.
The instructor said, “Don’t spend a dance simply going through your laundry list of tango steps and vocabulary. Your follower isn’t impressed by that. Women, as followers specifically, are not impressed with the fancy cars, the new and flashy technology, or the loads of money (ok….maybe they make our eyes bug for a hot second but really we’re not all that impressed). All we want is to feel super comfortable, taken care of, and safe.”
Taking time to find someone in an embrace and taking the time to connect with them in every movement…even if you are just walking…will make that person feel like they just had a magnificent dance! Simply because they were comfortable,  connected, taken care of, and safe.

Sexy Workshops

Sexy can be safe! WHAT. Mind blown.

It took a long time for me to be comfortable in my own skin and feeling sexy was something that did not feel safe to me. Until I realized that “sexy” does not have to mean provocative, attention-seeking, and alluring for a certain gain. Through this workshop at Sangha Space, the group of women collaborated on a definition of “sexy” and we discovered that confidence and humor defined this word for us. We did the same with “leader” and realized that it had a very similar definition!
What does sexy mean for you? What makes a great leader?

What I’ve Learned from Tango Travels:

1. If you are new to a milonga, don’t go alone unless you know people going. Dances are hard to get. And merely getting on the dance floor and getting noticed helps.

2. Smile and move….new tango word: “Smove”. Be confident. Embrace new experiences with a positive attitude.

3. Learning more about the culture and history of tango vastly improved my learning.

4. Just have fun.

“… create something with someone in tango”

Tango is a cultural good. Tango makes sense of the world by making something of the world. And if culture is the activity of making meaning….then tango is a cultural good.

I was reading a book called “Culture Making” by Andy Crouch and want ya’ll to buy it. Yup. It’s $8 and some change. CHEAP. So enough of the shameless plug…. Crouch refers to culture as somethings that creates a public: ” a group of people who have been sufficiently affected by a cultural good that their horizons of possibility and impossibility have in fact been altered, and their own cultural creativity has been spurred, by that good’s existence.”

I think this is why it’s so easy to get the “take home messages” from tango that we apply to our every day lives. The “don’t anticipate, just enjoy the moment” ‘s and the “make a mess of things and clean it up later” ‘s. Tango assumes that the world should be embraced. That we should strive to maintain a physical connection to one another because this plethora of virtual connection just doesn’t cut it. Tango makes cultivating a community that recognizes our ability to create something new possible. The beauty is in the passion of the dance. It’s shared. And by being an invitation, tango makes it possible for others to cultivate and create culture as well.

So go on, spread the love. Creation is relational. We can create something with someone in tango; a new move, a fun spiral, a fluid bit of vocabulary that eases into a different bit of vocabulary. Let’s keep this physical closeness important. I wonder what tango would assume of the world then, once it’s become a way to be connected to others that is more satisfying than a text or phone call? Culture starts small. Try it with your 2 closest friends. See what it changes.

… “just walking” in front of one another suddenly yields some really funky movement

In tango, I’ve noticed that the exercise of “just walking” in front of one another suddenly yields some really funky movement. Like, duck walks and minor spasms and quite hilarious overreaching steps or incredibly tiny ones. We walk everyday. Each of us may walk a little bit different with different posture but we all walk. And then when we slap a person in front of us and we’re told to “just walk”….it’s a daunting task. We don’t know how to do it! We walk every damn day but in that moment, it’s like we’re re-learning how. It’s like we’re not trusting the floor to be there in the next step. Like it’s an Indiana Jones moment and we don’t want to take the next step because the floor is invisible! (Props to you if you can name that movie)

I wonder what it would look like if we really connected to the floor even after we stood like tango dancers in our zippered up positions? We connect to the floor so well in that moment….let’s take it further. Let’s try to stay connected to the floor when we extend to the next step. Then stay connected to the floor when we change weight. And STILL stay connected when we collect.

Hmmm. Tango isn’t just about the steps then is it? Sure, the steps are fancy. And yeah, ok, those really cool and captivating leg wraps….I wanna DO THOSE! But I don’t think that they look or feel near as nice if the connection to the floor isn’t there. You have to firm your foundation before you move. You have to be able to say, “Ok, I know exactly where I’m standing and my axis is sturdy.” I think that, while the connection to yourself and your partner is very vital, the connection to the floor is such a helpful starting point. Especially if you’re experiencing some wobbly balance. Try it. See how it feels.

“You have to be ok if I leave.”

My mom is the best mother in the whole wide world. I do not exaggerate. She’s kind of flippin’ awesome. And  one of the many life lessons she has taught me is that I do not NEED a man to be happy in life. Which has proved really [frustratingly] helpful throughout high school especially when everyone seems to have a significant other. It’s taught me a very valuable confidence in who I am and who I want to be and what I want to do. And ya know, she was a pretty smart lady to teach me that when she did because it really was helpful throughout college too.

And for tango, the romantic relationship is the most relate-able analogy. The tango, like a healthy relationship can be, is not a codependent relationship. Nor is it an independant relationship. I have to be grounded enough to be ok if my guy has to leave. Being “ok” does not mean emotionally hunky-dory while frolicking in a field picking roses. Hell no. I can be sad and upset and hurt but I know that I’ll be ok. That I really am ok in the moment. I’m just going to experience these tender emotions, if that’s alright with you. In tango, you have to be able to stand on your own. If your partner steps away from the embrace, you can’t collapse and fall down. You have to be able to stand there. Firmly grounded. Ok to be on your own.

Tango is not a codependent relationship. Not an independent relationship. It’s an inter-dependent relationship. I have to be grounded enough to be ok if my partner were to leave. In any relationship. And sometimes it’s the friendships that crumble, that break, that become toxic that hurt the most and it’s ok to be sad. But I can’t sit down in that sadness. Because there is a step to take. And I can only take it if I’m standing. I can only keep moving if I’m standing. And it’s a beautiful thing to be held while I’m moving along, moving through every fun and not-so-fun emotion.

This element of surprise is key to learning.

This week I learned that tango is riddled with ambivalence. The fear and excitement of improvisation. The terrifying and enticing feelings about doing something new and/or meeting someone new.

I think this is why they say that tango is a way of life. I think it’s also why tango can be so addicting. We need it. We need that level of surprise. You never know what’s going to happen during class because of the improvisation. This element of surprise is key to learning.

But whatever you do, don’t let fear decide your fate. Wasn’t it Kelly Clarkson that sang a really cheesy song about taking risks and taking chances? Maybe she did know a thing or two about ambivalent feelings and letting the positive emotions override the negative ones.